U.S. To Greet New North Korean Leader With 32-Ton Candle

The 260,000 pound candle. Photo courtesy of Sam Howzit at http://www.flickr.com/people/12508217@N08

The 260,000 pound candle. (Photo by Sam Howzit at http://www.flickr.com/people/12508217@N08)

Not wanting to be left out of the welcoming celebration, President Barack Obama plans to send North Korean dictator Kim Jong Eun a 260,000 pound, self-igniting gift on New Year’s Day 2012.

“We will deliver a single Atlas candle to represent the young dictator’s first year as ‘The Great Successor’ to the ‘great’ Kim Jong Il,” Obama said.

“Knowing North Korea’s sensitivity to diplomatic insult, no expense was spared in ensuring that the candle would arrive on time, at the height of the celebration, when most of the military and political leaders of the country, and about half its army, will be present for the lighting ceremony.”

Speaking from a secure bunker beneath the White House, Obama added, “We know the North Koreans are short on energy, so we sent this single ‘light of 1 million smiles’as our gift. In only a few seconds, it will provide enough energy to light every home in that country for one year. How cool is that?”

According to four-star party planner David Petraeus, the candle won’t leave any major military installations “feeling left out.”

“We have programmed the candle to send out self-guided party favors to each North Korean army base.”

Continuing its long tradition of cooperation with the US, South Korea will honor Eun with a 4,000 gun heavy artillery salute toward the minefields between the two nations.

Both South Korea and the US are expected to send in 200,000 revelers to help celebrate the new leader’s reign.