To end the “seemingly never-ending” number of news segments on the financial status of Greece, Goldman Sachs will purchase the entire country, the company’s CEO announced today.
Lloyd Blankfien, Goldman CEO, said he made the decision because he was “sick of seeing the same report every morning on Bloomberg Business.”
“I just want at least one day where I turn on the news without hearing, ‘When will the trouble with Greece and the European Union be resolved?’”
The repetitive financial stories “have been going on for two years straight,” according to Blankfien.
“I couldn’t take it anymore,” Blankfien said. “I called up the guys and said, ‘That’s it. We’re buying Greece.’”
Gary Cohn, president of Goldman, said that he agreed with Blankfien’s decision “wholeheartedly.”
“Of course, we’ll have to fire all the original Greece staff before we begin selling any landmarks.” Cohn said. “We’ll start with the President and all of his advisors and anyone else who has been dragging this thing out.”
As for employees in the Greek public sector, Cohn said, “Yeah, they’re all fired too.”
Goldman officials plan to sell the beaches, mountain areas and seacoast towns in mid-June and plan to auction off the Parthenon and other famous landmarks to the highest bidder in mid-July.
According to Blankfien, the first item up for bid would be “the nation’s most valuable asset: the Grecian Formula Building.”
“After all, it’s more than 2,000-years-old and still looks like it’s only 40.”
When a reporter from the Times of Athens asked why Blankfien didn’t buy the United States, Blankfien’s home country, Blankfien said, “Oh, we did that years ago.”