Major Tom’s Space Debris Threatens to Destroy Earth

Crewed by the famous Major Tom, the ill-fated HMS My Tin Can launched in July 1969. Scientists say the space capsule is now on a collision course with Earth. (http://grin.hq.nasa.gov/ABSTRACTS/GPN-2000-000686.html)

Wreckage from the disastrous 1969 British space mission that killed famed astronaut Major Tom could destroy the entire world, officials say.

When it impacts Europe’s west coast in less than ten days, the spacecraft the HMS My Tin Can will be carrying enough force to split the Earth in two, according to Charles Bolden, Nasa’s Chief Administrator.

“We’re honestly very worried,” said Bolden at a hastily assembled press conference yesterday. “May God’s love be with you.”

Feared Lost

My Tin Can disappeared on July 29, 1969 after the pilot, Major Tom, inexplicably abandoned the cabin once the ship reached geosynchronous orbit.

The ship was Britain’s first and only entry in the  mid- 20th- century space race — the failure of the mission brought about the end of the country’s space program.

Since then, the ship and its one-man crew had been feared lost forever.

However, in a reveal of classified information, NASA officials announced that My Tin Can had been rediscovered in 2011.

“It’s been circling the globe at 7,200 miles per second for the past 43 years,” said Lori B. Garver, NASA Deputy Administrator. “And, in fact, the crew of the now-retired shuttle Atlantis glimpsed the ship while visiting the International Space Station in July 2011.”

Chris Ferguson, the NASA commander who led the Atlantis Mission, said he was the first to see the missing ship.

“My Tin Can had grown to monstrous size,” Ferguson said. “And somehow it had started attracting space debris like a miniature black hole.”

“It was also floating in the most peculiar way.”

The ship had reportedly swelled to a diameter of 790 miles, the length of Texas, and scientists are at a loss to explain the ship’s physical change.

‘We all warned him’

While researchers struggle to find answers, Nigel Penningsworth, retired head of the defunct British Space Agency, said he thinks the expansion is caused by the bloated corpse of Major Tom.

“I place the blame squarely on him, and his refusal to take his protein pills,” said  Penningsworth, speaking from a retirement home in Bath.

“Our scientists believed that astronauts without proper nutrients could swell up to almost infinite size when exposed to solar radiation,” Penningsworth said.“I warned him. We all warned him.”

“But he kept babbling on about how the ‘Planet Earth is blue. And there’s nothing I can do.’ There was something he could have done. He could have taken his bloody protein pills.”

Archive footage of British Space Agency technicians working on HMS My Tin CAn. (http://grin.hq.nasa.gov/ABSTRACTS/GPN-2000-003008.html)

Penningsworth added, “He could have at least put his helmet on.”

‘Tell My Wife’

If not for the touching tribute song by amateur ham radio enthusiast Ziggy Stardust, most people wouldn’t know Major Tom’s now-famous last words.

“Me and me mates ‘the Spiders from Mars’ were listening to the FM (radio) between pints,” Stardust said. “Everything seemed fine, and I remember ground control saying that Major Tom had “made the grade.”

“Then something went wrong, and the broadcast stopped.”

Deciding that his FM radio was malfunctioning, Stardust attempted to reconnect with Tom using his ham radio and was amazed when he succeeded.

“I can still hear him clearly,” Stardust said. “He said, ‘Though I’m past one hundred thousand miles, I’m feeling very still and I think my spaceship knows which way to go. Tell my wife that she’s a ho.’”

“I changed it to ‘Tell my wife I love her (she knows)’ for the record. I didn’t want to hurt Mrs. Tom’s feelings, but now that the earth is coming to an end, it doesn’t really seem to matter anymore.”

Impact?

My Tin Can will re-enter the earth’s atmosphere on December 31, 2012, and scientists are frantically searching for a way to save the human race.

Some researchers have proposed building escape ships to start a colony on the nearest planet, raising the question from reporters “Is there life on mars?”

But Bolden, NASA’s administrator, isn’t optimistic about the plan.

“Everyone might as well go home and kiss their loved ones goodbye,” Nasa’s Adminstrator Bolden said. “Major Tom is coming home.”