By popular demand, we bring you a behind-the-scenes look at how the Weekly Weasel works.
The search for quality weasels begins in the French countryside, where experienced weasel herders lead their weasel-hunting pigs on a search for those rare and special weasels that meet the strict standards of this longstanding news organization.
The pigs, highly valued for their ability to track down and root out the best weasels, find as many as three weasels an hour.
But only ten percent of the weasels pass inspection.
The remaining ninety percent are returned to the countryside after specially-trained Weekly Weasel agents loudly berate them for their lack of talent.
The rejected weasels rightly feel a great sense of shame.
The weasels that make the grade are then rushed to the local airport, loaded on diamond-encrusted pallets and placed in heated containers for their first class flight to the United States.
The packages are then airdropped off the coast of California, about 300 yards offshore of San Onofre State Beach in southern Orange County.
After that, cute Gidget-like surfer girls paddle out to the floating cargo, open the packages, wrap the weasels around their necks and paddle back to the beach.
Our Editor-In-Chief has discovered that only surfboard-delivered weasels have the resiliency to pass the difficult Weekly Weasel editorial process they must later undergo.
The surfer girls then place the weasels in the hands of Dormpa-Lormpas — purple elfin creatures very similar to Oompa-Loompas, except that they demand overtime pay — who bundle the animals into formfitting duffle bags, each sized to the weasel’s exact specifications.
The Dormpa-Lormpas then trek on foot to the Weekly Weasel’s palatial editorial offices in downtown Santa Ana, California, where they drop the duffle bags down a titanium-alloyed chute.
The weasels then land in the underground sanctum of the Editor-In-Chief.
Then the challenges begin.
All weasels must pass grammar and spelling tests to ensure that they are writers of the highest quality.
They must also complete a three-day long obstacle course.
In order to keep them properly hydrated during these tests, the latest military defense robots provide the weasels vases of water.
—The water in the vases is melted ice procured from the rings of Saturn.
—The vases are priceless jade relics, originally looted from the palace of the Chinese Emperor Huizong during the Sung Dynasty in 1135 AD.
—The robots are also expensive.
In the end, the weasels that fail the tests are given to vendors, employed by the Weekly Weasel, who sell the weasels on the street.
The winning weasels are placed on stools made of the bones of famous millionaires, including Hearst, Vanderbilt, and Rockefeller.
The winners are also given solid-gold typewriters and fed the finest in whatever weasels eat.
Then they begin to write.
And that’s where the Weekly Weasel gets its news.
Important reminder: By purchasing the Weekly Weasel – news stand price 10 cents – you are providing employment for under-aged weasel vendors, those sad-eyed twelve-year olds who sell weasels for porridge and gruel.
These orphans depend on you.
Don’t let them down. Read the Weekly Weasel!