Secret Service Chief Demands Strict 2-to-1 Prostitute-to-Agent Ratio on Future Trips

Three former Secret Service agents resigned in protest Wednesday in response to newly announced plans to lower the agency’s long-standing prostitute-to-agent ratio to 2-to-1.

Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan

Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan said that recent agent conduct in Cartagena, Columbia – where the prostitutes often outnumbered Secret Service agents by what he called a “shocking four-to-one ratio” – led to his decision.

“Such a high ratio of ‘women of the evening’ to agents is unacceptable,” Sullivan said. “Yes, these trips are all about having sex with prostitutes, but those agents who employ more than three prostitutes per evening are out of line.”

“I have given strict orders that in no event shall the prostitute-to-agent ratio be allowed to exceed 2 to 1.”

Sullivan’s policy has caused a firestorm of criticism.

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Speaking through a translator, Amelia Madrigal, head of the United Prostitutes of Columbia, has called for a general strike the next time Air Force One lands in her country.

“We have a clear collective bargaining agreement with the Secret Service, which requires that we make a certain amount of money every time these agents come on one of their paid vacations,” Madrigal said. “Who does Sullivan think he is to try to interfere with our arrangements?”

Alan Bronson, a spokesperson for the Secret Service, said that Madrigal’s proposed strike would be unnecessary because Columbia’s prostitutes will still make plenty of money during future Secret Service visits.

“All the agents have agreed to give out bigger tips after each session, even if there are only two prostitutes working per agent,” Bronson said.  “If anything, this new system will ensure that hookers will not be overworked: I mean, we’re not about to treat them like we treat our wives.”

Congressmen from both sides of the aisle have questioned the Secret Service’s ability to have outrageous parties on later trips if the “needlessly draconian” 2-to-1 rule is put into effect.

Despite the new limitations, Sullivan said that his people will put more time and effort into making sure their parties exceed all bounds of propriety as they always have in the past.

“This new plan is just, fair and workable,” Sullivan said. “Congress can have confidence that Secret Service parties will remain the go-to events for those looking for a lascivious good time for the foreseeable future.”

When asked about the security of the President during these trips, Sullivan said, “The security of who?”