iPhone-less Harvard Student Dies of Boredom At NASCAR Race

Puljoils' iPhone Coffin http://www.flickr.com/photos/blake4tx/352328190/

ATLANTA – After leaving her iPhone in a hotel, a 22-year-old college student died of complications from boredom contracted at a NASCAR race Monday, the county medical examiner said.

Technologically cut off from her friends, Brittany Pujols, a Harvard University undergraduate, suffered a “near-total mental collapse” during the 50th lap of a race at the Atlanta Motor Speedway, according to the examiner’s autopsy report.

“When she realized there were more than 175 laps left before she could get back to the hotel and begin tweeting, texting, Facebooking and sexting again, her mind couldn’t cope,” said Mavis Teller, Fulton County medical examiner.

“It’s real shame,” Teller said.

Pujols had been visiting relatives while on vacation.

“She said she didn’t understand why we had brought her ‘to the freeway to eat hot dogs and watch the cars drive by,’” said Billie Joe Thorton, one of the many cousins who thought they were showing Puljols a good time by taking her to the racetrack.

“She came down from her fancy Boston college and said she wanted to see how our half of the family lived,” Thorton said. “We had no idea she wouldn’t get that we were watching a car race.”

“We thought she was supposed to be smart,” Thornton added.

Doctors at Grady Memorial Hospital , where Puljols was taken after her injury, said Puljols’ mind tried to offset the lack of stimulus at the racetrack by putting her in a waking dream state in which she thought she was in a smart-phone rich environment.

“The mind is an amazing organ,” said neurosurgeon Joseph Pearlmutter, speaking at a press conference following his unsuccessful attempts to save Pujol’s life. “Evidently Brittany’s mind — in an attempt to keep her sane— had her convinced she was at a fraternity party at Harvard, drinking and flirting with three different male college students via text-message while simultaneously watching a college football game on a huge flatscreen TV.”

“However, when the reality of the mob of NASCAR fans pushing and shoving her broke the delusion, the sudden realization that she had to spend three more hours watching the race cars do exactly the same thing over and over, without the comfort of even the most basic apps, caused her to black out and fall through one of the spaces in the grandstand.”

“I saw something fly past me,” said Atlanta resident Gomer Phunts, who had been sitting near Puljols. ” At first I thought it was my drunk friend Roy (Bollinger), who was sitting above me. We couldn’t get seats in the same row.”

“But then I realized it was that snotty chick who had been whining about all the gas fumes and noise for the whole race,” Phunts said “Frankly, I was happy she’d stopped griping , until I realized that she was hurt.”

“I prayed for her, but I guess the good Lord had gotten tired of her complaining just like I had.”

Paramedics on the scene said that Puljols had been “particularly unfortunate,” falling head first into one of the many porta-potties under the grandstands.

“I don’t think having her face in that toilet for five minutes did her any good whatsoever,”said fireman Jay Hildebrand, who helped care for Puljols.

Hildebrand drove Puljols to the hospital.

After two hours in surgery she died on the operating table.

“She was young and strong and should have been able to recover even from the severe injuries that she had suffered, but she just seemed to give up on life,” Pearlmutter said. “It was as if her mind told her body there was no point in remaining alive.”

“I can only assume that deep down she thought she was still at the racetrack and always would be.”

In Puljols’ memory, bereaved relatives left confederate flags, Hot Wheels NASCAR toys, Mylar balloons and candles around the porta-potty.

“We don’t ever want to forget the only Yankee cousin to ever come down and visit her southern relatives,” said Mavis Kempton, Puljols’ aunt. “In her honor we plan to have a memorial picnic under the stands every time NASCAR comes through, unless they put the porta-potties down there again.”

Boredom-related death is becoming increasingly common among American 20-year-olds, having risen 30 percent since 1990, according to the Department of Health and Human Services.

Nancy Puljols, Brittany’s mother, said her daughter’s friends were coming down from Harvard to accompany the body back to Boston, where it will be laid to rest in a coffin built to look like an iPhone.