Child CEO Bankrupts Wonka Industries

William Wonka (left) after naming Charlie Bucket (right) the new CEO of Wonka Industries.

Reclusive chocolatier William Wonka stunned the world last year when he named a ten-year-old boy with no prior business experience the heir to his multi-billion dollar company.

Now, unfortunately, it looks like Wonka’s leadership choice has taken a massive bite out of the candy-man’s dreams.

Through a spokes-Loompa, CEO Charlie Bucket – the youngest person ever to head a Fortune 1000 company – announced this morning that Wonka Industries would file for bankruptcy next week, only months after Bucket took charge.

Business insiders say that Bucket has made poor decision after poor decision: forgetting to file paperwork, postponing meetings to spend time with his grandparents and swimming in the chocolate river that must never be touched by human hands.

“It’s like he has no idea what he’s doing,” said Alton Shelby, a Harvard business professor who looked over Wonka financial documents obtained by the Weekly Weasel. “I mean, look at this tax return filing. Half of the words are misspelled.”

“How do you misspell ‘taxes’?” Shelby added.

Things have been going downhill for Wonka Industries ever since its “Golden Ticket” promotional campaign last year.

Though the ad blitz proved profitable, rumors of dangerous candy-experiments hurt Wonka’s image after the public watched five child contest winners enter the factory and four child contest winners exit.

And the internet went wild with speculation once witnesses reported that children who exited the factory were blue, cylindrical, tall and thin, or covered in garbage.

Then came the announcement of Wonka’s plan to name Bucket the CEO, a move that business analysts called “odd” at best and “disastrous” at worst.

A high-level Oompa Loompa within the Wonka organization, speaking under condition of anonymity, said that even the rank and file Loompas are concerned about Bucket’s performance.

“Sure, (Bucket) has a kind face and a good heart,” the Loompa said. “But that doesn’t help you deal with five shift leaders asking you how you’ll make your production quota of Rainbow Drops when the staff is off for a three-day weekend.”

“And don’t even get me started about how much chocolate that kid eats.”

Other employees who have left the company criticize the CEO’s leadership style and his constant mentioning of the fact that he had won a golden ticket

“After being around that kid for a while, I just wanted to get into the nearest bed and stay in it until I died—or at least turned old and gray,” said Robert Boone, former Scrumdiddlyumptious technician. “Even some of the Oompa Loompas have started oversleeping, and we don’t even provide them with beds.”

Recently even Wonka has spoken out against Bucket.

Though shying away from the limelight throughout his career, Wonka held an exclusive interview with the Weekly Weasel and said he was going to drum up support for his bid to regain control of the company.

Wonka said he regrets the process he used to select a successor.

“My plan of taking of five random children who won a contest, talking to them for a few hours, and then choosing one of the five to run my massive international corporation wasn’t well thought out in retrospect,” Wonka said. “I mean … they’re kids. What was I expecting? Charlie didn’t even know what supply and demand was.”

“Frankly I don’t know what I was thinking. Guess that’s what you get when you spend your time in a world of pure imagination instead of a boardroom.”

Wonka said that Bucket had amazing moral character, even refusing to sell proprietary secrets to a rival company.

“But sadly,” Wonka said while riding a boat made of candy down a chocolate river he had installed at his palatial estate, “it turns out purity of heart isn’t enough. You actually need to know how a business works.”

The law firm Omelveny and Herman is overseeing the company’s bankruptcy and told shareholders they plan use the bankruptcy as leverage to remove the young man and his grandfather, and replace them with a more seasoned business veteran.

Shares of Wonka industries rose 15 points on the news.

One of the top candidates supported by the Wonka Board of Director is Arthur Salt, owner of Salt’s Peanuts and father of Veruca Salt – one of the recent golden ticket winners.

Financial experts say that if Bucket loses his position, the severance package of $300 million should soften the blow, giving him more than enough funding to support his four elderly relatives and his mother indefinitely.

Bucket could not be reached for comment.  Calls to Wonka Industries have not been returned.