Iranian Secret Service Can’t Seem to Convince Ahmadinejad That Advisor Is Obviously A Rabbi

Ahmadinejad and Weisenthal meet with dignitaries at summit in Norway. (Rabbi picture by Eliel Joseph Schafler; Ahmadinejad by Πρωθυπουργός της Ελλάδας)

The Iranian President strongly criticized his Secret Service at a Cabinet meeting today, complaining that officials had been unable to ferret out the Israeli spy who has “clearly infiltrated the inner circle of Iranian politics.”

Agents responded the same way they have for the last three years –that the spy is “plainly Rabbi Chaim Weisenthal,” a security consultant Ahmadinejad appointed to the position of Senior Advisor to the President three years ago.

“I know, I know, you’re going to tell me yet again that it is my long-time friend, Chaim,” Ahmadinejad said at the meeting in Tehran. “However, I have known him for at least 40 years, and I swear to you, he is not a spy for the infidels.”

“Sure, he always excuses himself from our meetings on Saturdays,” Ahmadinejad said, “which some of you have said is suspicious, but he has explained over and over again that it has something do with some religion that his family has been involved in for many years.”

Secret Service agents point to a number of Weisenthal’s suspicious activities including his frequent visits to Jerusalem, his fondness for Yiddish phrases and his request for detailed descriptions of defense plans translated into Hebrew.

Plus, they add, the fact that “Weisenthal is very obviously a Rabbi. It says so on his business cards.”

Ahmadinejad has dismissed these accusations before, saying that Chaim is “just a little eccentric.”

“He told me his nickname is Rabbit, because he’s such a quick runner.” Ahmadinejad said. “He just hasn’t gotten around to changing his misspelled business cards.”

Weisenthal is a sore spot for many in the Iranian government.

“He repeatedly yells ‘launch, launch’ into his cell phone,” said a frustrated intelligence minister Gholam-Hossein Mohseni-Eje’i. “It’s the signal to the Israeli Armed Forces to launch a first strike against our nuclear facilities.”

“He’s not even trying to hide it!” Mohseni-Eje’I added.

Ahmadinejad downplayed Mohseni-Eje’i warning, saying that Weisenthal is actually saying “lunch, lunch” because he wants to make sure everyone has the proper nutrition, “and also he is very fond of food.”

High-ranking members of the armed services, who wished to remain anonymous, said that “the President’s loyalty to his childhood friend is admirable, but all the evidence tells us that Weisenthal is a serious security breach.”

These same members say that the Ahmadinejad’s blindness towards Weisenthal must be the work of “some powerful sorcerer.”

State media noted that Abed Al Aziz Muhammad, head of the Iranian Republican guard, often hits his forehead with his palm and looks up towards heaven after Cabinet meetings.

“How could he not see that Chaim is always talking into the lapels of his jackets; he has a hidden microphone in there!” Muhammad said in a privately released email to a friend.

Late last evening, Ahmadinejad said he was tired of the discussion.

“I will no longer entertain any such impossible accusations. … Now tell me, when are you going to find that spy?”

Weisenthal was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy furiously scribbling notes in a small notepad as Ahmadinejad spoke.