Mormon High Priest Mitt Romney Teaches Theology To Israeli Leaders

Mormon High Priest Mitt Romney (original photo by Matthew Reichbach at

Editor’s note: Our weasel reporter in Israel got close to Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney by pretending to be a fur hat on Romney’s wife’s head. By mimicking Ann Romney’s voice, our reporter was able to ask questions of the various dignitaries Ann Romney met and obtained information for the following report.

Monday July 23, 2012 Romney’s address to the Knesset

At a presentation before Israel’s legislature, Mitt Romney confused his audience when he asked about “one of your Jewish tribes that immigrated to American thousands of years ago.”

“I’ve been exploring Jerusalem, this great city of yours, and have learned much about its people, but I have not been able to find any trace of the ancient writings of Nephi, Lehi, or any of the original authors of the book of Mormon,” Romney said.

“At first I thought he was playing a joke,” said Ehud Barak, Israel’s Minister of Defense. “And I was about to admonish him for making a joke about our religion. But then I realized he was actually being serious!”

Romney seemed surprised that his audience had not heard of the lost thirteenth tribe of Israel.

“I expected them to nod knowingly when I mentioned the Nephites and the Lamanites, the two subgroups who made up the lost tribe. But they seemed kind of shocked,” Romney said after his address.

Romney tried to make his hearers understand by going into more detail about the lost Jewish tribe:

“You know, the Nephites? And the Lamanites? Oh, come on, you must have studied this in your scriptures. You remember, the Lamanites were the ones who were turned black by your God because of their sin?”

“I confess, my duties in the government have made it harder for me to study the Torah regularly,” said Israeli Head of Benjamin Netanyahu.  “But I’m pretty sure that’s not in the scripture.”

Netanyahu’s confusion only grew when he googled the Mormon Church on his iPhone.

“I vaguely recalled hearing something about Mormonism, but it wasn’t until I looked it up online that I found out that they really believe that some tribe that none of us Jews has ever heard of somehow migrated to America in 600 BC.   I looked at an article and found myself thinking ‘holy crap, is this actually a thing?’”

Romney concluded his discussion by promising to foster international communication between Israel and their “lost brothers across the Atlantic.”

To which Netanyahu replied, “Yeah, sure… that’d be great.”

Tuesday July 24, 2012

Romney’s Address to the Israeli Academy of Science

From the time of Moses to the present, religious scholars have debated the exact nature of the “Urim and Thummim,” objects described in Jewish and Christian scriptures which were kept in a pouch in the High Priest’s ephod and used to determine the will of God in difficult cases.

Some authorities have suggested that dice or sticks were kept in the pouch, which could be thrown down and interpreted based upon their relative positions. Others have suggested that two stones were in the pouch –one black and one white–and that the priest would reach into the bag with his eyes shut and pick out a stone.  If he chose a black stone the answer from God was no, if a white stone, then the answer was yes.

No scholar has ever been able to produce sufficiently weighty arguments to settle the matter.

Now, thanks to Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, the debate may finally come to end.

At a presentation to The Israeli Academy of Sciences, Romney explained to the distinguished scientists and academics in attendance that the solution to the problem was very simple and had been given by the founder of the Mormon Church, Joseph  Smith, about 180 years ago.

Romney said to the group, “You see, Mr. Smith found some ancient plates with ancient writing on them, and was only able to decipher them because he found some huge colored spectacles along with the plates.  When he put on the spectacles, he was able to read the ancient writing and from that came our book of Mormon.  Smith taught us that those spectacles were nothing if not the Urim and Thummim you have been so concerned about. So there you go: problem solved.”

As his hearers sat in stunned silence, Romney said, “And you can rest assured that I will solve all of the world’s problems just like I just solved your ancient theological problem concerning the Urim and Thummim: with a combination of common sense and Mormonism.”

Editor’s note: At this point our correspondent’s report breaks off.  Evidently he had grown weary holding onto Ann Romney’s head with his claws and had fallen off of her head and into a nearby trash bin, forcing him to spend the remainder of the Romney visit in hospital.