Syrian Era Of Dork Rule Coming To An End

President Bashar Al Assad (Photo licensed by Creative Commons at

When Free Syrian Army fighters take complete control of the country in the next six months, Syria’s 12-year experiment with dork rule will come to an end, experts say.

Secret documents recently uncovered by Free Syrian soldiers reveal that the present dictatorial rule of Syria by  noted loser Pres. Bashar al-Assad was actually engineered by a cadre of bored hackers who had taken control of Syria’s computer systems in September 1998.

According to the documents, the hacker group Bytemarks used a combination of political intrigue and manipulative computer programming to convince the entire nation that a random wuss they had selected from Damascus was actually then-president’s Hafez al Assad son.

“That took a great deal of time and effort,” said a former member of the group, who asked not to be named for fear of retribution by dork sympathizers.  “But by placing subliminal messages on almost every computer screen in Syria –and by other covert actions we can’t discuss— our group was  able to make the entire ruling Ba’ath party, the public and even president Hafez Assad himself believe that our chosen dweeb was next in line for the presidency.”

All foreign relations experts agree, however, that the present ruler of Syria is not a true geek or nerd by modern standards.

“He has not started a successful software or internet company and really doesn’t know anything about computers,” said Dr. Akheem Algashouri of the Washington think tank, the Center for Syrian Political Analysis.  “However, he fit the description of geek or nerd when he started his rule, because he acted like a wuss and looked like one too.”

“Still does,” Algashouri added.

“He had just dropped out of medical school in Damascus when our group found him,” said another member of Bytemarks. “We took one look at him and immediately agreed that he had the perfect dweeb face and mannerisms for our prank.”

These types of political tricks have become especially common in the last two centuries, according to Bill Albertson, a professor of history at Yale.

“Russia had Stalin, who was not only very wuss-like but also had the voice of a seven-year-old boy,” Albertson said. “And Korea had Kim Jong Il, the epitome of Korean dorkdom.”

“History is full of these great leadership pranks,” Albertson added.

Albertson said that the first historical example of this odd tendency arose in the Egyptian Third Dynasty, when handsome pharaohs Amenhotep I and Ramses II were succeed by Tutankhamen the Nerd.

In Syria’s case, hackers even changed their charge’s name to Bashar Al Assad, from his given name —Mohammed Al Nerdbu — and began the arduous task of altering all public records to show that he was actually the son of the Hafez Al Assad.

Their notes indicate that they were amazed when, after the death of the senior Assad, the ruling council of the Ba’ath party accepted the group’s chosen wiener as the next ruler of Syria.

After Bashar Al Assad took power, Bytemarks lost interest in their project. Though their notes do idly speculate on how long he “could continue to rule using brute force and lies before the mass of the Syrian people realize he is an incredible doofus and remove him from office by force.”

The beginning of the end of dork rule came in January of 2011,  when a number of high school kids standing next to  one of the thousands of Assad propaganda posters on the streets of Homs, came to a unanimous agreement that “our leader sort of looks like a dork.”

One of the teenagers wrote the phrase “President Dork” in block letters under the picture, and the revolution was born.

“With the benefit of hindsight, that was the decisive moment,” said Aljazeera reporter Heidi Escalante. “The poster had been placed at a particularly busy intersection in the city, and thousands of people saw it every day.”

“It wasn’t long before everyone in the city of Homs had agreed that they couldn’t stand being ruled such a little wiener any longer.”

Harvard Historian Reginald Weeks, author of the book “The Impulse toward Dork Leadership — A Historical Survey” — believes that the desire for such leaders comes from high-school hijinks involving putting a dweeb’s name in the running for class president.

“Later on in life, people romanticize their high school years, and the idea of having a doofus ruler creeps from their unconscious into their conscience minds,” Weeks said. “Of course, it’s never a good idea.”

Experts believe that the head of the Free Syrian Army, who looks exactly like the actor who played the “most interesting man in the world” in the Dos Equis commercials, will have a long and successful rule as the new President of Syria.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton told reporters that she “knew having a poindexter as the ruler of Syria wouldn’t last.”

“We haven’t allowed people like that to lead our country ever since the Jimmy Carter fiasco,” Clinton said.