Biden’s New Role as White House Pooper-Scooper Has Nothing to Do With VP’s Gaffe, Says Obama

Bo, Obama’s dog. (Original photo by

President Obama denied rumors he was punishing Vice President Joe Biden today for Biden’s recent controversial statements and said that the vice president has always had to clean up fecal matter that the President’s dog Bo leaves behind.

“This is in no way some sort of retribution for his insensitive remark that (Republican presidential hopeful) Romney and fellow party members were going ‘to put ya’ll back in chains,’” Obama said at an impromptu press conference today.

“Joe’s pooper-scooper duties are part of his normal everyday activities and were definitely not instituted immediately after his embarrassing gaffe,” Obama said, gripping the sides of the podium tightly.

According to White House staff, the President’s statements were aimed at dispelling rumors that Obama planned to drop Biden as his running mate, that Obama was “incandescent with rage” over Biden’s remarks and that reporters had witnessed Biden following around the President’s pet dog with a plastic bag and shovel.

“Yes, he said something so insensitive that many people are now doubting his sanity,” Obama said through gritted teeth. “But I want to make it clear that despite this – and all the other moronic statements he has saddled me with — I am not angry at him.”

“Though I’m sure it’s obvious I have every right to be.”

Weekly Weasel sources have also confirmed that Biden has been cleaning the White House toilets and writing, “I will not say incredibly stupid things in front of the media,” on a newly installed chalk board in the blue room.

Some critics say these actions are evidence that the President is fed-up with  his vice president.  White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said the idea that “there’s some sort of turmoil behind the scenes couldn’t be further from the truth.”

“The President hasn’t given Biden’s words another thought,” said Carney, with Obama by his side. “And he definitely didn’t spend hours in the oval office screaming in righteous fury about how Biden was ‘a moron who spews a never-ending stream of intolerant garbage.’”

At Carney’s words, Obama leaned over and whispered something into Carney’s ear.

Carney then announced that the White House would institute a new program, that Biden would head.

The program — the “Take Pictures of the Vice President Picking Up Poop” Initiative — would be characterized by heavy media involvement.

“We have decided that Biden’s dedication to scooping up waste is so praise-worthy that we should publicize it much more than we have in the past,” Carney said. “So we will be giving all of you many, many opportunities to photograph Joe doing his duty, so to speak.”

After a reporter read off a long list of Biden’s comments in their entirety, Obama rubbed his temples with his fingers and began to massage his forehead.

He then spoke to White House Chief of Staff Jacob Lew, who took the podium while Obama asked an aide to check his blood pressure.

Lew said that the President “had just decided to create another honor for the Vice President.”

According to Lew, Biden will build a man-sized doghouse on the lawn behind the White house as part of a several new programs the president plans to roll out in the coming months.

For the remainder of the presidential campaign season,  Lew said, Biden will carry out a “sort of one-man Habitat for Humanity-style doghouse building tour” of the southern United States, where he will build doghouses for needy families wherever he may find them.

“He will also personally test each of them,” Lew said, as Obama nodded in the background.

Lew added that should Obama win re-election, Biden will return to the White House and take up permanent residence in the large doghouse he himself will build, where he will remain for the remainder of the President’s last term.

Before ending the press conference , Obama took the podium once more and said that he understood why “critics think pooper scooper duties are punishment” for the VP.

However, he said, Biden “has always picked up dog crap without a glove. You just haven’t noticed it before. It’s just what he does.”

“And I am not angry,” said Obama, the tiniest smile creeping onto his face. “Not anymore.”