Human Rights Group Alleges CIA Using Illegal Boogie Boarding Techniques

CIA agent surfs normally while terrorist suspect is forced to take off backwards on wave. (Public domain photo)

NEWPORT BEACH, CA. The Wedge

The CIA is allegedly using unlawful forced boogie boarding techniques to squeeze information out of suspected Al Qaeda operatives in violation of the Geneva Convention, according to the human rights organization, The Friends of Human Rights.

Evidence exhibited at a news conference held by the group on the sand in front of the famous body surfing, boogie boarding, and surfing area known as “The Wedge” included torn “Al Qaeda Rules” swimming trunks, mangled swim fins, crushed boogie boards, turbans and headdresses that had been lost in the sand, and at least 50 “What would Osama Do” cloth bracelets.

Speaking for the The Friends of Human Rights was Mel Blountisfer, a well-known human rights attorney, who held up documents that he said were sworn statements from expert-surfer witnesses saying that they had seen CIA agents teaching suspects how to boogie board in exactly the opposite manner to what was required to successfully surf the Wedge.

“These sworn statements make it plain that the suspects were told to take off backwards and to wait far too long before trying to catch a wave, making it inevitable that they would drop down the wave in an uncontrolled manner and –as the surfers say—wipe out,” said Blountisfer.

“During these wipe outs, the suspects would often be pancaked against the sand by the huge waves as sea water was forced through every orifice in their bodies at tremendous pressures.  It’s no wonder that almost every one of them spilled their guts and told the CIA every secret they knew rather than go back out into one of those waves,” said Blountisfer.

CIA Director David Petraeus responded by saying that the CIA had satisfied all of the rights group’s complaints about waterboarding  by removing the “simulated drowning” caused by waterboarding and substituting a “great likelihood of actual drowning” in its place.

“It is our legal counsel’s opinion that taking the ‘simulated drowning’ out of the equation removes forced boogie boarding from the acts prohibited by the Geneva Convention,” said Petraeus.

When told that the “simulated” part of the water boarding was not the problem and that the CIA had simply substituted one horrible torture for another, Petraeus smiled broadly and said “we’re just allowing the prisoners to do what hundreds of Southern California beach goers do every day when they surf the wedge. The Al Qaeda members aren’t saying they are afraid of a little American leisure activity, are they?”

According to Stephen J. Wiekleried, Professor of History at San Diego University and author of International Law and Terrorism, a Symbiotic Relationship, forced boogie boarding is the most effective interrogation technique in history.

“When a suspect is taken out into the water at the Wedge and sees all the water around his feed rush away as a 25 foot high wall of water rises up over his head, his usual reaction is an involuntary evacuation of the bowels and bladder followed by a dissociative state wherein the suspect no longer feels any strong emotional ties to his terrorist organization,” said Wiekleried.

“It has been our experience that –if the interrogator is able to ask his questions within an hour or two after the suspect is pulled from the water–the suspect will answer them as fast as possible,” said Wiekleried.

One suspect, who asked not to be identified, said that the force of the wave that wiped him out had driven his head into the sand and left the remainder of his body exposed to continuing impacts from later waves until his swim fins and board shorts were ripped off of his body.  “I would have drowned if not for that seagull that mistook my head for a large sand crab and pulled me out,” he said.

He ended his testimony by saying that “They can rip out my toenails and fingernails all they want, or they can water board me for days at a time, just don’t let them take me back to the Wedge.”

Senator John McCain called the whole issue a tempest in a teapot and pointed out that he went backwards “over the falls” on many waves during his incarceration in Vietnam and never gave it a second thought.

“On the contrary, my forced boogie boarding days were the highlight of my stay in North Vietnam,” said McCain.

The press conference ended in confusion when feminist lawyer and TV personality Gloria Allred muscled her way to the microphone to announce that she was filing suit against the CIA on behalf of an unnamed female jihadist alleging violation of her client’s constitutional right to be boogie boarded just like any male suspect.

“The CIA’s male dominated culture and sexist agenda is plainly demonstrated by the fact that no female suspects were allowed to boogie board the Wedge.  If a torture is available for the men, then it should be available for the women. I mean, that’s just common sense!”

Evidently upset with Ms. Allred’s attempt to take over the news conference, the security arm of The Friends of Human Rights organization sent up four large men to forcefully take the microphone out of her hand, but they were initially not quick enough to capture the remarkable agile and speedy Ms. Allred, who ran away from the podium towards the sea holding the microphone above her head as the rest of the members of The Friends organization gave chase.

Ms. Allred had just been wrestled to the sand when a huge rogue wave engulfed her and The Friends of Human Rights and took them all out into the monstrous waves, where they were nearly pummeled to death and drowned before being picked up by nearby surf patrol boats.