Schwarzenegger Fights Evil Paternity-Suit Maid In His Latest Action Flick

Editor’s note: Weekly Weasel reporter Jessica Weasel, caught up with Arnold Schwarzenegger on the set of his new movie: Super-Liar I, The Awakening, and conducted the following interview.

WW: Can you tell me how you got the idea for your new action movie, Super-Liar I, The Awakening?

S: Yah.  I am here working on my super-smash hit movie , Super-Liar I, The Awakening , which is based on my Autobiography, Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story. And by the way, you look sexy in that hat. Would you like to go out to lunch with me?

WW:  No thank you, but thanks for asking.   I understand that the character you play in this movie, Super-liar, is a super-hero.  Who are his antagonists in the movie?

S: Paternity-Suit Maid and her sidekick, Dependent Boy.

WW: Can tell us what super-powers Super-Liar has?

S: Yah, Yah. He has many super powers, but in his early battles in the movie he just uses his basic super-lying power.

WW: That doesn’t seem like much of a super-power.

S: What, you dummkopf! Super-lying power is unbelievable; it allows you to get all sorts of things you wouldn’t normally be entitled to, like money, fame, maids, and high political office!

WW: I don’t see what practical use that would be to a super hero.

S: Oh really? Hey, wait a minute.  Look out that window.  I think I see someone stealing your car.

WW: Having looked out the window and then turned back towards you, I see that while I was looking out the window you stole the hat I was wearing and are now wearing it on your head.

S: You see!  Super-lying power!

WW: I guess it does have some practical uses.  Does Super-Liar have any other powers?

S: Of course.  His super-lying power combines with his super-bragging power to defeat most of his ordinary enemies. But his greatest power is his super-freezing power, which I got from my role as Mr. Freeze in that Batman  movie.

WW:  What does Super-Liar use his super-freezing power on?

S: His conscience.

WW: Let’s move on from his super-powers. What does his super-hero costume look like?

S: He just wears whatever outfit is appropriate for the super-lie he is using at the time.  I know he doesn’t need any special costume, because while I was governor, I spoke most of my super-lies while I was doing state business and wearing a simple $6,000 business suit.

WW: So Super-Liar just wears a business suit?

S: No.  I also had to lie a lot when I was naked. But this works out great for the Super-Liar movie, since we don’t even have to pay for a fancy costume for me.

WW: Why not?

S: Because I spend most of my time in the film naked while I lie to various maids and wives.

WW: Why is your autobiography called Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story and not Super-liar I, The Awakening.

S: Because Super-Liar and I both need “total recall” to keep all of our lies straight.  That reminds me, I should probably list “total recall” as another one of his powers when people ask about him.

WW: How does Super-Liar I, the Awakening end?

S: Paternity-Suit Maid and Dependent Boy have trapped Super-Liar on the top of the Washington monument where Super-Liar’s evil clone twin “Heartless Man” is waiting to destroy Super-Liar.

WW: How do you get out of that predicament?

S:  I use my freezing power to freeze my heart and make it as hard as a diamond. Then I rip it out of my chest and throw it at Paternity-Suit Maid and Dependent Boy, making them fall off the monument and onto one of the giant cement balls at the base of the monument.

WW: What giant cement balls at the base of the monument?

S: Aren’t there giant cement balls at the base of the monument?

WW: No.

S: Uh-oh! I just assumed that…well I’ll have to rewrite the ending so that they fall into a big vat of molten metal.

WW: Where did molten metal come from at the Washington Monument?

S:  Poetic license! Anyway, they fall into the molten metal and die and Super-Liar uses his super-bragging power to stun Heartless Man and then he grabs him and holds tight to him until they both fall down into the molten metal.  Heartless Man is destroyed but my titanium skeleton that I got in the Terminator movie survives and I raise my arm up from the molten metal and give the victory sign: showing that Super-Liar will come back for yet another sequel.

WW:  It sounds like you are sort of confused about where your real life ends and your movie life begins.

S: What do you mean?

WW: Well, Super-liar seems to just be an amalgam of parts of your real life persona and bits and pieces from various movies you have made.  It all just seems like the confused ramblings of a senile old man.

S: Don’t worry; we take care of all that in my next big action hit.

WW: Oh really? What’s it called?

S: Super-Senile man, The Commitment. 

WW: Let’s move to another subject. What do you have to say to the children’s advocacy groups who have alleged that this movie promotes lying, bragging, and self-promotion as good character traits, when such behaviors should be discouraged?

S: I’m afraid that’s all the time I have for this interview.

WW: Really?

S: No.